there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
