theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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