Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
