If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Randomize
