i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
