I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Randomize
