I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
