Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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