genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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