Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
That accounts for only three of the penises
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
