The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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