I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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