I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Randomize
