Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
you will always have a special place in my vag
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
