When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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