I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
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