Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
