Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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