it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
