Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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