Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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