i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
