Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
