I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
