I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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