It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
