I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
i need some magic done to my vagina
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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