Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Randomize
