Soap is not a condiment
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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