Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
