but the lizard people decide everything anyway
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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