she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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