I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize
