11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
