I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Randomize
