A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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