i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
