Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
