Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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