Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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