No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Randomize
