well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
