also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Randomize
