so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
