Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
