My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
