I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
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