you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
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