well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
