Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
