I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
So here I am, sexting at work.
tell me about the eggs
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